Grief Moments: A long way to acceptance.
Last week I lost my uncle to Covid-19.
The crazy thing is my grandma who is in her nineties caught it first and we were so worried she would not make it. But thankfully she recovered. Honestly I don’t think anything can kill that woman, she’s beat cancer and now covid. But then my uncle caught it and he was not so lucky.
I’ve been so angry, sad and numb… At times I feel nothing, then I feel like things are ok, then there are times tears just start falling and I feel so incredibly sad. Then there are times I feel all three at once and I just don’t know what to do.
I’m angry at people being stubborn about wearing a mask. I’m angry at people for down playing and spreading misinformation about this virus. I’m angry that this virus has taken him when he had so much more life to live.
I’m angry that I won’t get to have family dinner with my uncle ever again.
I’m sad because so many people never really knew my uncle Billy. He often came across as this grumpy old guy, but he was really a very sensitive and caring person. He did so much for my grandma, always helping her and being there for her, he loved animals dearly, and he served his country honorably and faithfully until he retired from the Navy.
He loved and respected my mom and dad so much. I always knew that. I can’t even imagine how hard it was for them to have to say goodbye over Zoom… calling the hospital several times a day after he was removed from life support. But I could hear the stress and sadness in my mom’s voice as she gave me an update each day, and I could imagine my grandmother’s screams as she begged my uncle to wake up and not leave her. It brought me back to the moment my grandfather passed years ago.
I’m sad and angry that I can’t be with my family during this time because of this pandemic. That we can’t have a memorial for him. That we can’t be together. Because this virus is no joke. It just takes one time cracking the door to let it in. One time going out of your bubble, one time letting your guard down… and it can be more devastating than you ever imagined.
It’s just not worth it and I’m not willing to get on a plane right now to go see my family because I could never live with myself if I got anyone sick.
I’m numb because there has been so much hate, lying, discord and death these past few years that I’m at a loss at how to even feel at times… it’s starting to feel normal to watch the news and the death toll and discord climbing in this country. I refuse to accept that as our new normal.
Last week I lost my uncle to covid… his death was not fake news, a conspiracy or in any way political. A deadly virus was the reason he died, and that never should have happened.
I will miss him more than I can ever express…